I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
