It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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