The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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