God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i've created a new STD.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
