The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
