I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
