Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
