I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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