there was a trapeze. enough said
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
