Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I want to be your penis for a week.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
