did you get engaged???
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
