"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
