dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
