the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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