i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
