it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
