they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize