You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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