I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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