Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
