the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
