I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
