My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
