Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
