It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
