tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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