my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize