how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
