if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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