Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
