I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
