Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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