My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
