mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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