Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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