stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
