You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize