Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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