I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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