i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
