Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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