I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
