My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
