sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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