She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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