Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
