I showed him my bush... on skype.
someone owes me an orgasm
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
