ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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