I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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