it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
