This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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