Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
