I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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