Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You took a bar mat shot.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
