I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
