I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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