last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
