all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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